Itâs often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, itâs practically necessary.
Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key includes patience, perseverance and âa really good dose of hatred.â
âAll of a sudden you literally want to hate each other. And then the next day, itâs a pretty, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your child does something cute, and you look at each other and youâre like, âAw, gosh,ââ Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after picking up an Emmy Award for her role in âThe Bear." âAnd youâre on another track.â
Relationship experts say itâs normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like genuine hatred. The difference between couples who last and those who donât can lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.
âHating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,â said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of âAm I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth." âWe think weâre supposed to love our partner all the time unconditionally, but thatâs not the way it works.â
Yes, you should 'sweat the small stuff'
Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes, accumulate when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of âFive Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.â
To prevent pet peeves from growing into a bigger problem, itâs important to âsweat the small stuff,â said Orbuch, who in her research has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years.
âWhat starts out as a small, irritating habit becomes, âYouâre not listening to me. You donât love me. Maybe weâre not right for one another, and I hate you,ââ she said.
Criticizing an issue in the moment, however, isnât the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from kids and not right after work, just before leaving for the day or while tired in bed.
Be specific
Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with positives, then using what she called an XYZ statement. For instance, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to your mother. Then, follow with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of in the hamper), I feel Z (frustrated).
Then follow with: âCan we talk about that?â
Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you had accused them of having a character flaw, such as, âYouâre such a slob.â
âWe box that person in where they donât know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,â Orbuch said.
When you can, highlight the loving moments
Greer said a great way to help hateful moments dissipate faster is to build up a reservoir of positive emotions. Take note not only of aspects of your partner that you adore, but also why they make you feel good.
If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they had listened to something you needed helps to reinforce those positive emotions, she said.
âWhen youâre feeling the love, itâs important to label it,â Greer said. âItâs important to say, âYou know what, Iâm having a love-you moment.ââ