The last time I saw Paris I shopped till I dropped, invoked the fury of a street vendor for dissing his crepes and walked home in the misty dawn from jazz club heaven.
The last time John Travolta saw Paris he blew up drug dens, scarfed down Cheese Royales and left blood-spurting corpses littered all the way from the Eiffel Tower to the Bois de Boulogne.
Who had more fun?
Judging by the travesty that is "From Paris With Love," I'd say I did.
I like Travolta. Ditto for costar Jonathan Rhys Meyers ("The Tudors," "Match Point").
These polar opposites, both in looks and acting styles, should have given Pierre Morel's new buddy thriller some nice, savoury bite.
Sadly, what bites is the 92 minutes wasted in this Parisian purgatory.
Travolta is the crude, rude, sharp-shooting American spy Charlie Wax.
Before Wax can dig into some foie grois, this gonzo hitman is picked up at customs by James Reese (Meyers), an American ambassador's dapper young assistant.
This smarmy starched-shirt has everything going for him: looks, a great job, a hot fiancée (Kasia Smutniak) and a knack for killing his boss at chess without annoying him.
That should be enough to content anyone, right?
But no! Reese harbours a secret ambition – to be a secret agent. To that end he will do anything, even team up with this sweaty, bald-headed badass spy, Charlie Wax.
Before we can say "comment ca va?" these jokers blow up a Chinese restaurant, gun down its staff and flee into the night with Reese toting a vase filled with cocaine.
Somewhere between Wax trampling a Chinese street gang -- single-handedly, of course -- and squeezing in some kiss, kiss, bang, bang from a French hooker, the plot starts twisting faster than wisps of steam off a freshly-poured espresso.
Keeping track of the evil forces is a slog. Chinese. Pakistani. Asian drug lords. Middle Eastern terrorists. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine.
Director Pierre Morel tears through all the culprits with alarming speed, never once pausing long enough to let us run out and pop a few Gravols.
Travolta and Meyers can't save this doomed mission
Suddenly, Travolta's hanging out car windows mowing down half of Paris with Uzis.
Back at the embassy, Meyers is gunning down his character's fiancée, a secret terrorist. An he's looking like he just stepped out of a Hugo Boss commercial.
I can buy all kinds of convoluted tales of espionage, drug trafficking and looming terrorist attacks. God knows, anything can be diverting in the City of Love.
I'll even buy Meyers chasing after Wax with a cocaine-filled vase in hand like a hapless baby Lab.
What I cannot buy is the idea that Travolta and Meyers willingly signed on to this stinking hunk of French cheese.
Penned by Adi Hasak from a story by Luc Besson ("The Fifth Element"), I can only ask one question of these two artistes: What the hell happened?
There are so many great spy thrillers. Besson's own "La Femme Nikita" from 1990 counts among the best.
Sadly, "From Paris With Love" is all shooting-range braggadocio without any brilliance.
In its defense, "From Paris With Love" includes two outstanding blow-up scenes. Very ingenious and very effective!
Travolta, too, lets it rip as this film's jive-talking Zen master of payback.
Other than that, "From Paris With Love" is plodding and predictable all the way down to those damn Cheese Royales Wax can't get enough of.
Next to this heap, I'll take Inspector Clouseau any day of the week going all "Dog Day Afternoon" at a croissant factory. Avec plaisir!
One and a half stars out of four.
