A new book aims to demystify the process of delivering honest apologies.
Authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy have been studying the intricacies of good and bad apologies in news, politics and literature since 2012.
Their new book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, draws on a deep well of research in sociology, psychology, law, and medicine, breaking down the art of apologizing.
âYou have to use the words, âIâm sorryâ or I âapologize,ââ Ingall told CTVâs Your Morning Monday, referring to the first crucial step in any good apology. âSeems obvious. It isnât. Do not say, âI regret.â Thatâs about you. Do not say, âIâd like to apologize.â Just do it.â
Ingall added that the next step comes down to specific acknowledgment.
âYou canât just say sorry âfor the situation,â or âfor that regrettable thing last week,â she explained. âShow that you understand why what you did was harmful.â
Co-author McCarthy told CTVâs Your Morning that itâs important to explain a personal understanding of the impact you caused, and not to make excuses.
âDonât say, âIâm sorry, but you were being very annoying,â she said.
The authors added that itâs important to clarify why the same mistake wonât be made again.
âIf you could make reparations,â Ingall said, âmake reparations.â
âIt could be as simple as: youâre wearing this beautiful white suit. If I spill coffee on it, I offer to pay for the dry cleaning. It could be something involving a donation to a favourite charity,â Ingall explained.
âShow the steps youâre taking to ensure you will not do this again.â
The book features a list of thirteen words that do not belong in an apology. Those words are:
- Obviously
- Regrettable
- Already
- Dialogue
- Alleged
- Positivity
- Jesus
- Journey
- Self-discovery
- If
- But
- Context
- Unfortunate
The authors also spoke about what to do if youâre receiving an apology, but donât feel willing to accept it.
âYou could say, âThank you I need to think about that,ââ McCarthy explained. âYou could say, âI need to sit with that.â You could say, âYou know you apologized for spilling the coffee, but you didnât apologize for dancing on the table and breaking the dishes. You could redirect it. You could say I didnât get the apology for the thing that really upset me.â
Despite the complex terrain of delivering and receiving apologies, Ingall said itâs never too late.
âPeople often [say], âwell it happened five years ago.â If youâre still thinking about it, then youâll probably feel better if you apologize for this thing that has been weighing on you.â
She added that research has shown that a âtoo-quickâ apology isnât as accepted as one that is a little bit delayed because âpeople havenât had the time to sit and think with it.â
McCarthy added that, sometimes, âyou accept an inferior apology just because itâs so great to get it.â
âApologies are mandatory,â Ingall said. âAccepting the apology is not.â