Ah, the holidays. The season of kids whining for toys and parents yelling 'No.' The season of TV ads fuelling high hopes and cold reality dashing inflated dreams. And Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas if a child, hopped up on chocolate and mandarin oranges, didn't melt down in front of the wrapping paper-strewn tree on Christmas morning, now would it?
But of course, it doesn't need to be this way. Children can be taught to be grateful on Christmas morning, to keep their requests in check, and the smiles on their faces. All it takes is a little preparation and some old-fashioned parenting.
1. Manage expectations
Parenting expert Alyson Schafer says the key to avoiding tantrums on Christmas morning is to manage expectations. If it's a lean year, tell your kids. If there's going to be a two-gift limit, tell them. Let them know what you can manage so that they rein in their dream of finding an entire toy store under the tree.
Managing expectations also means managing the pressure your kids place on you, Schafer says. She encourages her kids to make gift wish lists, but she also warns them not to expect that they will get what's on it.
"It's important to remind kids that if they have a wish list, it's a wish list -- not a demand list," she says.
Parents shouldn't feel obligated to buy everything on their kids' wish list – or even anything at all on the list. If what your son or daughter really wants is something you have no intention of allowing into your home, there's nothing that says you have to buy it.
"There's no reason to explain to them what you won't be getting them and why; just don't buy it," advises Schafer.
2. Don't acknowledge disappointment
But let's say you've decided to go ahead and get them that doodad they've been asking for, and -- horror of horrors – you mess it up. Maybe it's the wrong colour or not the model they wanted – whatever it is, they're angry and pouting. Do you offer to make it right? Warn them to watch their attitude? Neither, advises Schafer. The best approach is to simply ignore them.
"I think the message to parents is: We contribute to our kids' happiness but we are not responsible for it," she says.
What Schafer means is children should not be "expecting" their parents to get them the "perfect" gift. If our children are angry we didn't get what they asked for, our best response is to walk away, she says. Sure, you can note their disappointment; you can even be empathetic. But do not let them get at you with grumpiness.
"They're trying to make you feel bad. So don't engage with it," Schafer says.
At the same time, don't waste your time trying to correct their "attitude of ingratitude" right away. Chances are you'll be speaking in anger and they won't be listening anyway.
"I would wait until the mood has passed. If you want to talk about how thankful we should be, I would wait. It'll just get you embroiled in a struggle and inflame things," Schafer advises.
3. Find opportunities to teach empathy
The holidays can be minefield of embarrassing moments for parents. Moments such as pouts during gift-opening time at the in-laws. Or refusing to mumble a thank-you to the neighbour who drops off a gift.
Schafer says the problem many parents run into is they wait for embarrassing situations to arise to teach their children about gratitude and appropriate responses.
"I'm a big advocate of training throughout the year, so you don't have to do it in front of company," she says.
That's why she advises using opportunities whenever they arise to have discussions about gratitude. Find times to point out how lucky they are to have as much as they do. And when they become irritated when you bring home the wrong cereal from the grocery story for example, explain why that's rude and how their response hurts your feelings.
"You don't want it to be a lecture or a sermon; you want to avoid that," says Schafer. "Because kids aren't very open to receiving lessons in that way. They just shut down when we try to lecture."
If they're younger, maybe find a time to use puppets to teach about empathy. Or ask a librarian to recommend some books that offer lessons in gratitude. When the message is placed in context, children often respond better than when they are simply lectured, says Schafer.
Keep up those discussions throughout the year, and there's a better chance you won't have to do a crash course on this stuff on Christmas morning, she says.
4. Give them an allowance
"I think that the one way kids learn gratitude is to be a giver," says Schafer.
And the best way to let children understand what it's really like to give is for them to use their own money, she says. Which is why Schafer is a big fan of giving kids an allowance even at a young age.
She points out that when Daddy helps Junior buy a gift for Mommy and Daddy pays for it, the child doesn't really feel the gift really came from them. But when children have saved up their allowance and used their own money to buy gifts, it changes everything.
"The first time my kids used their own money to buy me a gift, they ran down the stairs Christmas morning and the first thing they wanted opened was the gift that they bought for us," says Schafer. "And that doesn't happen when Mom and Dad buy the gifts on behalf of the kids."
The other reason why an allowance is a good idea, says Schafer, is that it gives kids an opportunity to buy themselves that must-have thing they didn't get over the holidays.
"For a lot of kids, Christmas and birthdays are the only time they get things they want," says Schafer. "So in their mind, they think if I don't get what I want now, I won't get it at all."
That need-it-now tension is what often results in tantrums on Christmas morning, Schafer believes. By giving kids an allowance, that they can save up for things they really want – while also learning an important lesson on delayed gratification along the way.
5. Send thank you notes
Finally, if you want to teach your children about gratitude, one of the best ways is to get them to express it in a thank-you note.
A thank-you is a non-negotiable must for any gift sent by relative in the mail. Get your child to either pick up the phone, get out pen and paper, or write an email and get thanking, because that gift needs to be acknowledged, says Schafer.
Writing a thank-you note is also an opportunity to show children that there's always something nice they can say about a gift, even the ones they're not crazy about. And yes, Shafer says an emailed thank you is just as good as one sent on pretty stationery.
"I think it's completely fine in this day and age to send email thank-yous. They're just as heartfelt," she says.
A child who learns that gifts are a privilege, not a right, will be a happier child all year long.
