D-Lister infamy was what the formerly famous once dreaded -- the veritable nail in the coffin that put forgotten careers into the urn of no return.
Thankfully North Americans love an underdog, particularly the quasi-famous kind. From child actors with tanked adult careers to one-time teen heartthrobs whose "hot" factor has long expired, D-List celebrities are coming out of hiding, reminding us all that whether it's a contrived reality show, a commercial flogging money loans or a police mug shot, any press is good press for Hollywood star on the comeback trail.
Does it get any better than Gary ("Diff'rent Strokes") Coleman smiling his pearly whites at us, chirping, "Pay your bills on time and everyone will love you," as he did in 2006 and 2007 commercials for the cash-advance loan company, CashCall. Marry that media time with the 2007 citation Coleman received for misdemeanour conduct by a Provo-Utah officer, and his mug is on our minds again even if his star is still tarnished
Think of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, the '80s teen hunks starring in, "The Two Corey's" trying to convince us that they need each other -- and everyone to watch -- as they resurrect their careers. The one-time stars of the 1987 cult-film "The Lost Boys" live together, along with Feldman's wife Susie (whom Feldman married on the 2002 reality series, "The Surreal Life"). They bicker, smoke cigarettes, head to a sweat lodge and bicker and smoke some more. It's badly scripted, ill-conceived, and the so-called tension is poorly staged. And yet we watch as the two try to use this show, as well a promo stops on CNN's Larry King Live, to turn their delusional dreams of a big showbiz comeback into reality.
The truth is it's not talent that we ask for in D-Lister land. It's real life pseudo-drama -- the kind the puts an ironic smile on our mass media faces and makes reviewers as happy as a slasher at a cutlery convention.
For 60 minutes -- and the right price -- we watch has-beens like the Corey's, or other big-no-more names like Gary Busey ("Celebrity Paranormal Project") or LaToya Jackson and Erik Estrada (on the now defunct show "Armed and Famous") show us they've still got it (if only in their imaginations). We endure the ill-mannered, near illiterate mumblings of the Gotti boys in "Growing Up Gotti" and watch "hungry" minor celebs like Joseph Gannascoli (aka Vito Spatofore on "The Sopranos") deal with the battle of the bulge on "Celebrity Fit Club."
There's Danny Bonaduce using his booze riddled stints on TV reality shows ("Breaking Bonaduce" (2005), "Starface" (2006)) and radio ("The Adam Carolla Show" (2007)) to steamroll his spotty career and his loudmouth manners into our homes.
There's Mario ("Saved By The Bell") Lopez. His much publicized smooth moves on "Dancing With The Stars" certainly helped in landing him two TV new movie deals ("Husband for Hire" (2007) and "Holidays in Handcuffs" (2007)), an audition to replace Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right" and hosting gigs on the 2007 Miss America and Miss Universe shows.
Let's not forget Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Their reality show, "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica," propelled the two into the public eye with nuclear fusion efficiency. While their marriage and careers have suffered since, the show did what all any sidelined celebs would want: keep their names out there and the cash rolling in.
We watch it all and love it, and if that's not enough we can even get more up close and personal with a visit to www.hollywoodiscalling.com. For a mere US$19.95 Alex "The Bachelor" Michel is available to give us a live call, or if he's not in The Barbi Twins pinups will talk, or perhaps Richard Hatch ("Battlestar Gallactica"), Lou Ferringo ("The Incredible Hulk") or Ron Palillo ("Welcome Back Kotter").
Tawdry though it may seem, it's all money in the bank and, in a few welcome cases, a ticket to the top of the of the B-List.
Did anyone think that "The Singing Bee," starring ex *NSYNC member Joey Fatone, would make it -- and him -- a network pick for the 2007 Fall TV season? Yet in the same inexplicable way pigs came sometimes fly (or at least walk on a ceiling with a little help from Homer Simpson), the real laugh in this reality show about contestants warbling correct lyrics to familiar songs is the one Fatone is having all the way to the bank.
Indeed, the biggest guffaw of all is the one Kathy Griffin ("My Life on the D-List") is enjoying. Who would have thought that this uncensored fluff designed to mercilessly self-promote the outspoken comedienne -- and take a few jabs along the way at A-Listers like Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz and Nicole Kidman - would have hoisted her up into the B-List?
In fact, when Larry King celebrated his 50 year anniversary on CNN, it was Griffin who sat in his midst along side Hollywood royalty Jane Fonda.
Nice work Kathy. Make that B a B+.
Other notable no-names:
The Hoff
With a spot on "America's Got Talent" and a new book ("Don't Hassel the Hoff") on the way, he's not yet ready to ride into the knight. Pun intended.
Joey Lawrence
This guy's career has re-blossomed since his stint on "Dancing with the Stars."
John Hurley
Another "Dancing with..." alum that has rekindled some of his former soap and "Seinfeld" glory.
Flava Flav
We always seem to make time for this clockwearing fool. Cuz we got the love for flava.
Vanilla Ice
The soft-coned sundae of white-guy gangsta made a new name for himself on Season 2 of "The Surreal Life."
Howie Mandel
Seeming to possess more career lives than chester cat, this Canadian comic now heads up an uber-hot game show where people make themselves look really stupid as they gamble away small fortunes on the potential contents of snazzy briefcases.
Who'd we miss? Any other hot has-beens you find yourself uncontrollably drawn to lately?
