It鈥檚 often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it鈥檚 practically necessary.
Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key includes patience, perseverance and 鈥渁 really good dose of hatred.鈥
鈥淎ll of a sudden you literally want to hate each other. And then the next day, it鈥檚 a pretty, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your child does something cute, and you look at each other and you鈥檙e like, 鈥楢w, gosh,鈥欌 Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after picking up an Emmy Award for her role in 鈥淭he Bear." 鈥淎nd you鈥檙e on another track.鈥
Relationship experts say it鈥檚 normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like genuine hatred. The difference between couples who last and those who don鈥檛 can lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.
鈥淗ating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,鈥 said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of 鈥淎m I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth." 鈥淲e think we鈥檙e supposed to love our partner all the time unconditionally, but that鈥檚 not the way it works.鈥
Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes, accumulate when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of 鈥淔ive Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.鈥
To prevent pet peeves from growing into a bigger problem, it鈥檚 important to 鈥渟weat the small stuff,鈥 said Orbuch, who in her research has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years.
鈥淲hat starts out as a small, irritating habit becomes, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e not listening to me. You don鈥檛 love me. Maybe we鈥檙e not right for one another, and I hate you,鈥欌 she said.
Criticizing an issue in the moment, however, isn鈥檛 the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from kids and not right after work, just before leaving for the day or while tired in bed.
Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with positives, then using what she called an XYZ statement. For instance, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to your mother. Then, follow with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of in the hamper), I feel Z (frustrated).
Then follow with: 鈥淐an we talk about that?鈥
Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you had accused them of having a character flaw, such as, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e such a slob.鈥
鈥淲e box that person in where they don鈥檛 know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,鈥 Orbuch said.
Greer said a great way to help hateful moments dissipate faster is to build up a reservoir of positive emotions. Take note not only of aspects of your partner that you adore, but also why they make you feel good.
If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they had listened to something you needed helps to reinforce those positive emotions, she said.
鈥淲hen you鈥檙e feeling the love, it鈥檚 important to label it,鈥 Greer said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 important to say, 鈥榊ou know what, I鈥檓 having a love-you moment.鈥欌
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